my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
