I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I did not marry a roomba.
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