you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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