I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
