Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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