Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
