Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
