she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
