Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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