my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
