Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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