I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
