at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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