I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
