Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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