the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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