So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize