and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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