dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The air was thick with penises
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
