Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize