Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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