Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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