Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
