You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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