I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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