found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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