woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize