You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
