Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
