I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
