We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
