i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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