The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
