When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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