so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
