Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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