yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
