I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
