his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
