all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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