dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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