He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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