Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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