Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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