He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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