my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
