Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Boobs are out for the taking
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
