i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
