so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In other news, I just burned my penis
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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