Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
did i walk over a car last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Still dying that you shit outside
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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