also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
