You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
