I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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