I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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