If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
