Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize