Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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