Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
