I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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