i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was like eating out sand paper
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
