our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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